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Oi ! Gerra'tta Ma Paaab

It's every blokes nightmare (apart from my mate DonDon). Having to put up with your bird watching every soap going (Hollyoaks exempt of course) and the dire, or just plain shit storylines the pathetic morons who write the shows come up with. Over time I have developed an acute sense of soap bullshit detection, and when faced with having not a lot of choice but to be in the same room as a TV showing a soap, I like ripping the crap out of inconsistencies in the story lines. I have also noticed a pattern to most soap stories, I reckon the writers have a 'Soap Writing For Dummies' book that has stock story templates that make soap writing a piece of piss.

So, I thought I would share my observations of soapland beaviour that can be used to spot and riddicule these very stupid storylines. This can be used to seriously annoy your other half, but be warned we cannot be held responsible if she cuts your knob off and feeds it to the dog as you sleep.

Sections

Clichés

If any strangers with speaking parts appear in a soap they are there to cause trouble. They usually turn up in the Queen Vic, normally 3 of them.

No characters are allowed to take jobs away from the immediate vicinity of the place they live, it is just not considered. If they do get jobs somewhere else it is usually only for a short time.

Everybody in soapland is prepared to go to prison for their principals.

Conversations about other people are always overheard and taken in the wrong context.

Inept cooks always burn the important food (roast, cake) to a cinder. For gods sake even I know a roast takes hours to cook, so how the hell do you forget about it long enough for it to be totally reduced to ashes !

Whenever someone is late for their tea it is always ruined and put in the bin. Food can never be re-heated or anything.

If someone stays out all night a character often says 'his / her bed hasn't been slept in". How the hell can they tell that ? Unless everyone in soapland makes their bed perfectly every single morning, and if they do this so religiously wouldn't they have done it before leaving? It thefore goes that their bed would be always made so you would never tell if it has been slept in or not. Of course, being soap land if its a bloke, we can probably assume the traditonal view that the bloke messes the bed up every night and a woman makes it every morning. I DONT THINK SO !!! No-one has a properly made bed anymore, its why we all use duvets to render the bedmaking process obsolete.

If someone cocks up at work or falls out with the boss, who's usually their mate as well, they get immedietly sacked without notice 'get aat your sacked'. Have these soap idiots ever heard of Employment Laws ? Every employer in soapland would be being sued for wrongful dismissal if it were real life. However, nobody ever stays in a job long enough to earn any rights, and they are usually back at work after a few episodes with the whole thing completely forgotten.

Whilst on the matter of employment, if someone disagrees with the company / people they work with on a moral issue they usually turn up at home later where their partner says 'how did work go ?' and they reply 'oh, I quit'. The fact that they have a mortgage to pay and a family to support does'nt even cross their minds. Come to think of it nobody ever mentions mortages in soapland anyway.

Whenerver peggy is in Eastenders they have to get 'oi! gerrata moi paab' or 'you're baaaaad, geerrrat' in to her lines.

Sam Mitchells catchphrase is 'I'm in charge now'

No-one ever accepts councelling after going through a traumatic experience. 'We can offer your councelling.." .... "No ! I don't need that ! Nothing wrong with me etc..." Then they go totally nuts, often with a can of ribina.

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Stock Storylines

Good Thing / Bad Thing

Whenever anything good happens in soapland (birth, marriage, christmas) something of equal but opposite goodness (?) has to happen (death, divorce, easter). When everyone is happy someone has to have the weight of the world on their shoulders and is a miserable twat.

One the subject of crime, the more mental a person becomes before being found out / caught the more likley that are to die before being brought to justice / trial. They are usually killed escaping or commit suicide either before or after being caught. Best one was that Laura in Hollyoaks, it has never been mentioned again by anyone. Anyway here's my nasty bastard hall of fame:-

Whenever anyone gets wrongly accused of commiting a serious crime, they always end up been sent down even though they are innocent and there is someone who can prove it, but won't. After a while the usually get out on appeal or that someone decides to tell the truth. In essence the innocent always get wrongly convicted and the coppers on the case never consider any other possibilities. Oh yes, and when they get into prison they are always dead moody and moan about how they are innocent and their cell mate says 'yeah, everyone in here is innocent', also they always get picked on by mister big.

Every child is either born early and/or with a life threatening illness.

When people are talking about a child who is in danger, seriously ill, or some other lame problem the story writers get £10 for everytime they get the character to say 'my son'. They get £15 if it is said with unncecessary emphasis.

If someone is being harassed by another, threatening phoncalls, shouting through letter box, threatening letters etc. They throw away the letter, delete any messages, and are seen as delusional by other characters. This is opposed to keeping letter, recording the conversations, and even perhaps getting them on video or something. This is especially true in things like The Bill, where trained coppers always keep serious problems to themselves and then no-one believes them.

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Just Observations

If Ellie in Hollyoaks says 'but I love Toby, he was my HUSBAND [£10 to story writer each time she says it]' says that once more..... I'll tut and shake my head.

When will Nick Bates get out of prison ? He seems to have been there a very long time, no-one ever mentions him, not even Cathy when she was still in it.

Nobody ever decorates, unless it is an essential part of the storyline.

Everyone buys everything they need in the local shop, these local shops that are very expensive. Nobody ever goes to the supermarket and buys shitloads of stuff.

Nobody cooks, they always eay out i.e. Woolpack, Cafes etc.

Nobody in soap land owns a washing machine.

Many people have cars, but they are never parked outside their houses.

Who cooks, cleans, and maintains Home Farm in Emmerdale. I'm sure Zoe does'nt get the marigolds on (ooh the thought).

They never have lock-ins in soap pubs, they always call time and everyone goes home sober. REAL LIFE ALERT: The Woolpack would never shut, ever !

Has anyone noticed some soaps are dropping a few good lines in here and there (yes I don't belive it either). They do exist, and it's when a character says some think that sound as if they just said 'shit' or something but you are left wondering if it really did happen or your just misheard.

Pub owners are always giving away free pints 'go on, that ones on the aaasss'. Bollocks !!!! No landlord anywhere gives away free booze, ever. It just does not happen.

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Death In The Street (new)

My god ! How many people die in soapland, bloody loads of them. If it were real-life we would be all needing councelling for England.

Top soap for death has to be Hollyoaks, must have by far the most and the most popular way to die has to be connected with car accidents.

List of dead characters (that I can remember from Hollyoaks)

Kurt Benson, His brother Stan and his mate Ollie.

Rob Hawthorne, almost the whole Richardson and Cunningham households, Toby, oh sod it too many to remember.